Ramblings... because I can't seem to compose anything structured

Who the hell are you anyways??
I mean, I know it’s nighttime, and therefore you are tending toward negative depressing feelings anyways, but I’m still wondering. Ok, I’m talking to myself in case anyone missed it. Nighttime is the worst when you start to feel disillusioned with your whole existence, because you reach new, greater heights of disillusionment in the dark hours.
But back to my original point, sometimes I become fed up with my lack of self. Which can seem strange because most of the time I feel I have an abundant self. I go back and forth with it. I can’t really decide if I really feel what I feel, or if I’m all for show. Sometimes I feel like I keep going on just for other people, like they are these hooks that pull me along the stream. Like I am playing this part that other people know me as, and now I have to keep it up. I have to fit into my part. But what is this part exactly, that’s what I am trying to figure out I guess. Am I sparkly, happy-go-lucky, positive energy incarnate? Am I erratic, emotional, self-involved whirlwind of unstable chaos? Am I completely generic, like vanilla, someone who says what others want to hear, and meanders along, never risking a step off the safe path, never daring to dare anything? Am I someone who feels attuned to the universe, something bigger than myself, confident in my path, and taking my time in getting where I am going?
What is really important to me?
That seems like a generic question, but have you ever asked yourself that question and made yourself consider the answer? I just did a couple minutes ago, and I found myself at a loss for anything really concrete.
I mean, you can say the easy answer: my family and friends. But that’s almost a given you know? What if that answer is just implied, and you have to move on from that answer? That’s where you kinda just stand there in puzzlement, like yeaaaah… hmmm…. What is really important to me? It made me feel kinda terrible that I didn’t have an instinctive response. My cats? My books? Music? Writing? What???
I mean, it definitely highlights the lacking part of my life, which is some kind of vocation…career..lifepath… call it what you will. If I had a vocation, that would be really important to me, I presume. But I don’t, and therein lies the problem, the glitch, the “who the hell are you??” moment. What would I live and die for?? Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but what I am getting at is the concept of passion. I feel like month after month, my inside becomes more and more hollowed out, and I am slowly losing things that I wont be able to find again and that scares the hell out o f me. I become hollow and spiritless and generic because I do not do things that I am passionate about on a day to day basis. Read: ever. I went to South America by myself, I was passionate about that. I was passionate about learning Spanish and learning about the people there, and wanting to become a part of them for awhile, and wanting to stay, which didn't work, and that saddened me. On the outside I was still nothing but a tourist, even if on the inside I was seeing things as they were, not as tourist attractions. I wasn’t looking at the people as some sideshow to entertain me, I wasn’t looking at the landscape thinking “how quaint.” I wasn’t sleeping in hostels complaining about the lack of hot water, or lack of television, or lack of anything, for that matter, because I wasn’t looking at the places or people as if they were lacking…
I have to go get in bed with my boyfriend, to be cont…

This Does Not Count As a Well Thought Out Blog

Sometimes I have these flashes of excitement, most of them probably caffeine-induced, where I get this warm, brilliant sparkle of the future - future plans, possibilities, or different scenarios, different ways things could play out. My imagination has never been stingy with me, it's pretty much risen to any challenge I've thrown its way. I feel gratitude when I have these moments because my complete freedom crystallizes in my mind. I still possess utter and complete freedom to go anywhere and do anything I want. And then sometimes I worry that I will never want to give up this freedom, that I'll never want to be committed to anything, or tied down by anyone. My hope is that I will be ready for that one day, when I know I've found the right person to commit to, and that it will not feel like I am giving up my freedom, but that I am gaining a new freedom, in combining my strength with someone else (like the Power Rangers).

I guess it is good that I can still get excited about the future, because there are some days that I definately can "not." There are some days, or moments, I feel complete and utter despair at how tired I am, and how uninspired, and done I feel. There are points where I am just sick of thinking and worrying about everything, and sick of trying to be motivated and trying to find a purpose. Sick of trying to find ways to improve myself, or strive for anything.

But there are the warm sparkly moments, too, and those make living through the hopeless moments worth it. I sound like a Disney Christmas carol.

Finding "It"

I have a lot to put out into the world, and I have not found the outlet for it yet.

I feel like I don't want to complain right now. I'm not complaining. I have family and friends, love, and health. What else is there really? Tolstoy said, "love and be loved, that is the only reality in the world, all else is folly." I have a lot of love in my life, I always have, many different types of love, and I haven't had my fill yet. I don't know if I ever will. As great as love is, and how important it is to me, I know that I need self-fulfillment. I have a need to prove myself to myself. And I guess I also have a need to share with people, to connect with people, to give and share something. I know the next few years of my life will be defined by me trying to figure out how to do that. It could possibly take a lot longer than a few years. If one were calculating based solely on my overall general pokiness, it could very likely take me my entire lifetime. But spending a lifetime searching for the one thing, the one "it," that I can be completely head-over-heels passionate about, doesn't really sound so bad. At least I'm still searching, right?

I'll know when I find it. I'll know when I am finally doing something that allows me to utilize everything in me and share that with people. I feel like that is one of our most basic needs as humans, the need to share with others what we have inside us, to connect somehow, to connect what we are feeling. We go crazy with our own thoughts.

The Root is On Fire!

This week is all about the root chakra, the base for all of the other chakras. I am working on my root chakra for my weekly energy class. I visualize red. I am aware of my feet against the ground, being connected to the earth, and feeling that “I am.” I exist. I am here. I wear my garnet necklace. I eat protein. I visualize red at the base of my spine, where the root chakra is located. I try to stand up straighter. If it ever warms up outside, I am going to walk barefoot. I am going to wear red. Burn a red candle. I am going to think survival and individuality. I am going to feel connected to my family and friends, focus on the tribal unit we’ve created here. I am going to feel mi amor. I am going to feel my vitality and strength. I am going to think about my money and security. I exist, therefore I write.

Oh God, what do I title it??!!!

I am reading a book titled, Writing Tools: 50 Essential Strategies for Every Writer, by Roy Peter Clark, who is vice president at the Poynter Institute, “one of the most prestigious schools for journalists in the world.” Laaateeedaaah. But, his book is not pretentious in the least, which is why I am still reading it. Well, and it’s good. Mr.Clark is helping me to not feel so wretched about my inability to get my thoughts on paper (or computer screen…), apparently it’s a rampant disease within the writing community. I am hopeful that with Mr.Clark’s suggestions, along with the help of my weekly blog assignments, which exist only for the eyes of my dear friend, J.L.Hall, I will be able to conquer this terrible, terrible illness.

Why don’t I start with whyyyy I want to conquer this illness. Why bother, really?

Well, first of all, there’s the whole, “You can do it! You can do it! If you put your mind to it!” thing, that you learn while playing baseball in elementary school gym class. The result of all that nonsense chanted early on is that I feel like I can do it. Secondly, it’s character building to make your self do something that is out of your comfort zone. I went to South America by myself, and now I am going to attempt to write and then let other people read it. Lastly, the essential reason that I want very much to conquer this illness, is because I feel like I should be writing. Like it could be a really good thing.

There’s the why, now where’s the how?

I think this blog is a HUGE first step, even if it is relatively small looking in print. That notion of having someone read what I am writing was simultaneously horrifying and nausea inspiring to me at first, but now I am finding it therapeutic. In Roy Clark’s book, there is a quote from the author, Brenda Ueland, and it goes like this:

“For when you write, if it is to be any good at all, you must feel free – free and not anxious. The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny; whose attitude is: ‘Tell me more. Tell me all you can. I want to understand more about everything you feel and know all the changes inside and out of you. Let more come out.’”


I found this quote inspiring. I also found the statement “no standards,” to be an uplifting concept as well, an idea that Clark discusses in his book. He basically says to write with no standards, and liberate your self. Once you have done this, then you can go back and clean it up and revise it.

I am feeling better about this writing thing.